Joke's on Me...

I bet you thought this post was going to be about 45. Ha! Hell no. This picture basically sums up my dating life. A tired, shiftless, habitual lying, morally bankrupt con-man that doesn’t want nothing but to grab me by my….All the while laughing and playing with my emotions for sport.

My grandma always said “it’s okay to be a fool but don’t be a damn fool.” I’ll admit, I have been a fool a time or two as I suspect many of us have but I refuse to be a damn fool.

I’ll admit, TV had a major part in raising me in terms of social skills particularly as it relates to dating. While I have parents and slew of relatives older than me, no one sat me down and said this is how you conduct yourself on a date. All the things I’ve learned as it related to treating a person while on a date came from TV shows and movies. I’d like to think I don’t indulge in the negative aspects of dating because I strive in treating people right.

I have dated as a straight and gay man. In my opinion, dating a woman was a little easier. I knew my role or expectations as a man dating a woman. Dating men, initially was weird. There were so many questions like do I bring this fool flowers, do I open doors for him, do I help this big ass man with his chair, who paying the check, do I make sure he gets back in the house okay before driving off? Initially, I was like a fish out of water but I caught on. For me, if I initiate a date, I plan to pay. And to me, that encompasses everything that incurs an expense. Hell even parking. The man I am pursing should not have to reach for their wallet while on a date I invited him on.

One thing I believe is missing as it relates to dating is initiative. Where is the damn initiative fellas? I tend to run into dudes that can’t initiate or plan out a simple meet and greet such as drinks or coffee. However, if I offer to set things up they are all on board. I am a natural leader, and planner so I know my skills but sometimes I want someone to take charge, put forth some effort in ensuring we are spending quality time with one another. I refuse to be an enabler or set the expectation that I will plan and pay for all outings. You better get out of my face. Oh and suggesting an starlit evening of Netflix and Chill at my crib followed by some head as a first date is not my idea of initiative. That shit is tired and lazy. I won’t lie, some head is a nice gesture but I gotta be strong and stick to my guns. Ha!

Lack of communication is also a source of frustration. These clowns don’t seem to know how to have meaningful conversations these days. There is no real dialogue with the intent to get to know the person nor is there any excitement or interest in sharing who they are as person. Don’t call me and sit on the phone. Don’t text me with one word responses. I shouldn’t go in too hard on some of these men as they do have the ability to ask the million dollar question among the gays…. “Are you top or bottom?” At times, that comes up before asking my name. Don’t get me wrong, sex is important but it’s not the first thing I think about upon meeting a man. Maybe I am wired differently but at this stage in my life I am more concerned about a man’s intellect, his goals, and aspirations. Finding out what that D and ass do will be explored in due time.

We all go through rough times and we find ourselves in situations that are not favorable. However, if you don’t have any drive or plan to pull yourself out of that tough spot, leave me alone. If you don’t have the essentials meaning your own on place, your own car and a job don’t even try to date. Get your life together first. Don’t subject anybody else to your lame ass life of lack and despair. I am speaking on behalf of all self-sufficient dudes in these streets, Get The Fuck Out Of Here!

Quick story, I met this dude. His car was on the fritz but he said he had his own place. He seemed perturbed at his mom for not helping him pay for the repairs. I somewhat ignored that statement and against my better judgement said to myself his situation aint too bad. Let me proceed. Unfortunately, the plot thickens when he mentioned he only stays at his place on the weekends because he lives with a friend during the week so he can get back and forward to work. Alright, alright, alright….Strike 1. We decided to link up. Of course, I had to pick him up and he invited me to his place afterwards. I walk in and his ass only had an air mattress. Side eye but not a complete strike. He proceeds to tell me he gets off on golden showers and he loves watching people taking a dump! Yes, people shitting turns this fool on! Strike 2 and 3! It was at this here moment I knew I had to scrape my ass off this deflated air mattress and get the hell out of dodge. I did so expeditiously.

Needless to say, I became distant and he asked why I turned cold. I tried to keep it cute and say I didn’t think we were compatible. I didn’t wanna come out and say that him liking “shit shows” was a no go for me. He didn’t understand my stance and kept pressing. In my frustration, I mentioned I am not really interested in a man who was 5 years older than me who didn’t have a working car and no furniture. Yes, petty I know but the straw that broke the camel’s back was his reply and I quote. “I don’t need no furniture in my apartment. I am never here and if I wanted some furniture all I have to do is tell my mama and she will furnish it with nothing but Z Gallerie!” Yo mama buying? Z Gallerie? I’m done!

If there was one word I could use to describe dating it would be interesting and I am being nice. I have plenty of crazy stories though that my friends find funny. For me it’s disheartening because you get a little excited about a person time after time and it winds up being a let down. Not to mention the money I waste trying to wine and dine these clowns. I will keep hope alive, dust myself off and keep trying. Until I find the right one, I hope to keep you all entertain with my dating mishaps.