Stream of Consciousness

I woke up this morning dragging.  Even though I had seemed to get ample sleep, I felt sluggish. As I opened my eyes, I thanked the Lord for allowing me to see another day.  I didn’t know that an acquaintance and Facebook friend would lose their battle with cancer the evening before.  He didn’t get the opportunity to open his eyes and bless the Lord in this world.   Yet, my faith compels me to believe that he opened up his eyes in glory.  Free from misery and pain that this world and earthly body tends to bring.  I pray that his family and friends find solace in those sentiments.  Lord knows it’s hard to do when you are in the thick of it.  The shock. The grief.  The anger.  The planning.  And all of the other emotions and tasks that comes along when losing a love one. It’s all emotionally taxing.

In learning about the passing of this kind soul, I began to talk to other friends and reflect on life and how it can be up in a New York minute.  Every day you hear on the news, radio, or social media of lives cut so short whether it’s from violence or health related issues.  I recall telling my mom a few months ago that it seemed like less people died when I was in younger.  This may sound like an ignorant statement and I wasn’t sure if I should chop my thoughts up to me being more mindful and observant in my older age or if in fact more people seem to be leaving this world in greater numbers these days.

When I begin to think about life, death and even the state of our world as a whole, I can’t help but to think about saying to hell with being responsible.  To hell with doing the right thing for my finances or for my health.  Since life is so fleeting, let me live freely and do what I want to do.  Some may ask, what is freely?  In my opinion, freely is living for today.  Truly living in the moment, free of any worries or consequences for your actions.  This stance is not me speaking of going against my morals, ethics or integrity if you will.   My thought is since tomorrow is not promised, let me live well now.  This includes eating, drinking and traveling where ever I want or engaging in any activity that brings me pleasure. Every day will be the weekend and if I want to eat whole box of Little Debbie Oatmeal pies in two hours; ho mind your business and let me eat!

For me, it’s a struggle to live freely.  It’s a battle in my psyche.  As much as I want to do the wrong thing, something will pull me back and will say “Fool, get your mind right. Now you know that is some dumb shit.” Unfortunately, I come to myself and make another decision reluctantly.  There is huge part of me that wants to say F that car payment and insurance.  Go ahead and book that flight to Greece.  I wish I could not pay my electric or water bill and put that money to those Fendi flip flops I’ve been eyeing.  Sometimes it’s not all about me.  I may want to sacrifice something just to help another person in need.  Life doesn’t allow for all of our conveniences or wants.

No one has any clue what the next life will bring.  However, whenever I do transition to the next life and if by chance I have some recollection of this current life, I don’t want to have regrets or feel like I limited myself because I was being sensible by societal standards.